*The Official Jokes Thread

Post any jokes you know here.

30 Harsh Things a Woman can say to a Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahhhh, it's cute.

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. It's OK, we'll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird

Condom Joke

Ok. A guy walks into an all nit conveniance store cuz he forgot to buy condoms....He walks up to the lady at the checkou and says, "Do u sell condoms here?" THe lady says, "yes we do." She then asked wut size...He says, I dont Know?? So she says, pull doen yur pants...she gives him a quick feel and says into the checkout microphone.."One box of medium COndoms....So the next guy in line thought this was very interesting and decided to give it a try himself....So he asks the lady, "Do u sell condoms here...The lady says, "Yes we do." She then asks the man wut size he was? He says "I dont know?" So she says, "pull down yur pants". She gives him one quick feel and says into the checkout mic..."one box of Large condoms". THe third guy in line had absolutely no experiance sexually with any woman, and he thought this was the coolest thing ever, and his chance to get some experiance. So he goes up to the lady and asks..."Do u sell condoms here"? She says "Yes, wut size r u"? He says, "I dont know", so she says"pull down yur pant, and he did.....SHe then gave him one quick squeeze and says...."CLEANUP ON ISLE 5"!

Bull Joke

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow?"

Cake Joke

A boy and his dad are at the zoo and the son sees two lions having sex. The boy asks his dad, "what are they doing daddy" and the dad replies, "They’re baking a cake son".

Later that day the boy and his mother are walking in the park. The boy see's two dogs having sex the boy asks his mom, "What are they doing". The mother replies, "Baking a cake".

Later that night the boy walks downstairs and sees his parents having sex, and then goes back upstairs.

The next morning the boy says, "Mom dad, I know what you guys were doing last night, baking a cake and I ate the icing of the couch that you guys had left".

HOW MEN AND WOMEN SHOWER DIFFERENTLY . . . How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing....

Oldest Profession

Four friends whose careers were an architect, a surgeon, a politician and an anesthetist met regularly for a monthly discussion.

This month’s topic was whose profession was the oldest. The surgeon opened the discussion by stating that in the good book it says that the lord took a rib from Adam and created woman, that, my friends, requires the skill of a surgeon, the greatest of them all, so therefore it follows that my profession is the oldest.

Then the anesthetist looked at the surgeon and said my friend you have got it wrong, before surgery can take place the patient must be put to sleep, that requires the skills of an anesthetist, the greatest of them all so I claim that my profession is the oldest.

Then the architect looked at the surgeon and the anesthetist and countered them with the fact that before anything existed there was nothing but organized chaos, every thing had to be planned, blueprinted, and built, that my friends takes the skills of an architect the greatest of them all.

Then the politician looked at his 3 friends and simply said, who do you think created the organized chaos.

lmfao this is crazy.

thanks for that opt, it's so true.

bahahaahah.

^^Read the other jokes I posted.

Blonde Joke (please don't get offended whether you're blonde or not) -

A blind man walks into a bar. He says to the barmaid "oh, I’ve got a really good blonde joke 4 u." Then the woman next to him says "excuse me, but I am a 6 ft blonde rugby player, the 2 women behind you are 6ft blonde tug of war players, and the barmaid is a blonde bodybuilder. Do you still want to tell that joke?" Then the blind man says "Oh forget it. I don’t have time to explain it 4 times."

So? What do you think? (No offence to blind men, blondes, barmaids, 6ft rugby players etc)

Little Boy

There was a little boy. He had company coming over for the evening. His dad was in the bathroom shaving, and he had to pee really badly. So his dad tries to shave really fast and cuts himself, and yells "sh*t!" The little boy says "daddy what does that mean?" The dad says "shaving cream". His mother was in the kitchen cutting the turkey and cuts herself. She yells "f**k!" The little boy says "mommy what does that mean?" His mother says "stuffing". The next door neighbors are getting their groove on and the little boy hears "d**k, c**t". He asks his dad what that meant and his dad says "hats and coats". His mom and dad get into a fight and yell "bi***, bastard". The little boy asks his mommy what that means and she says "ladies and gentlemen". Finally the guests arrive. The little boy answers the door and says "Good morning bi***** and bastards. May I take your d**k and c**t. Mom is in the kitchen f*****g the turkey and dad is in the bathroom putting sh*t all over his face!!!"

LMAO, I heard this one before, but it is still funny.

13 Kids.

A woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

A priest, a minister and a rabbi find a sack of money.

The priest says "Draw a circle on the ground, throw the money up in the air, and whatever lands outside we give to charity and split the rest.

The minister says, "No, draw a circle on the ground, throw the money up in the air, and whatever lands INSIDE we give to charity and split the rest."

The rabbi says, "No, we draw a circle on the ground, throw the money up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!"

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign on the door reads:

Floor 1: These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:

Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:

Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited

^^Nice ones...........especially, the Husband store one.

A perfect men and a perfect woman met in a perfect day.

After some perfect dates they had a perfect wedding.

One night on X-mas they drove there perfect car on a dangerous road, but suddenly they saw a man on the side of the road, and because they are perfect they stopped for him and they discovered theta that man is Santa, and he is carrying a bag of gifts.

Santa got in the car and they drove away.

After a couple of minutes there was an accident and 2 of them died. Only the woman survived...

Why did the woman survived, you ask?... because the perfect man an Santa does not existent.

If you are a woman: Stop reading here.

If you are a man: If the perfect man an Santa does not existent, that means that the woman was driving and that explains the accident.

If you are a woman and you kept reading: You just proved that women wont listen!

Nice. repped.

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died. First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the a******. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself." St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside. Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying....

Skeeing

There was a guy who had a party and two of his friends got really wasted, so the guy told his friends why dont you guys spend the night here? So they said ok. So when they went to sleep one slept in the middle one slept on the left and the other slept on the right. The next day they wake up and the guy who slept on the right says"Man i had an awsome dream! I was dreaming that some chick was jacking me off" and the guy on the left says " hey me too". so they both ask the one in the middle what did you dream? and he says I was dreaming that I was skeeing.

HAHAHAHAHHA.....that was funny as hell, but wrong....HAHAHAHA

Low Sperm Count

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!

LOL ^^

^^lol. Nice one. You could tell it was heading into the "opening jar" direction.......

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand??

A: Because she moans with the other

Afternoon Quickie

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Doing it in the dark

Claire was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they always have sex in the dark.

Hoping to rid him of his inhibitions, during a passionate evening she flipped on her reading lamp and was shocked to find a cucumber in his hand.

"Is this what you have been using on me for the past 8 years?" she exclaimed.

"Honey, let me explain…." he pleaded.

"You sneaky swine!" she screamed. "You impotent Son of a *****!"

"Speaking of sneaky!" he interjected,

"Perhaps you'd care to explain our two children!!"

^^lol. Nice one, guys.

PLEASE, no one get offended.

A lil kid asks his mom questions about God.

Little Johnny was very curious about God after his first time at church. He approaches his mother and asks

"Mommy, is God black or white?"

She answers, "God is both black and white."

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, is God a man or a woman."

She answers, "God is both a man and a woman."

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy is God straight or gay?"

She again answers, "Johnny, God is both straight and gay."

Finally Little Johnny asks," Mommy? Is God Micheal Jackson?"

^^^Bahahahhaa... MJ jokes are CLASSIC

ROFLMAO!!!!

HAHAHAHA

I hope you're not speaking from experience.......

anyway, this guy goes to a pub and orders a whiskey. downs it and asks for another. After 3 consecutive whiskeys, the bartender asks "Are you ok?" The guy responds "I'm celebrating my first blow job" The bar tender responds by saying "great, let me get you another whiskey" The guy responds "no thanks, one more whiskey won't make the taste go away...."

hahahhahahahah, thats a classic....

5 rules for men to follow in order to be happy

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.

As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."

Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

^^^LOL.

Good ones........

^^^lol. Post those in our Crazy Pics thread.

Q: Why can't an Asian couple have a caucasian baby?

A: Two wongs don't make a white.

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

Paul slumped back over the bar again.

"I kicked her in the face."

LOL!

Nice one...............

I'll post some tomorrow.........

Chuck Norris Jokes

. When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror nothing appears. There can never be a second Chuck Norris.

. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

. Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.

. When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.

. Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.

. P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.

. Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.

. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

. Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.

. On the Asian market, Chuck Norris' urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.

. Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.

. When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

. Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

. Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.

. When there's a fire, you stop, drop, and roll. When there's a Chuck Norris, you stop, drop, and die.

. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

OMG, Chuck Norris jokes never get old...LMAO

Annoying Things To Do in an Elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,

then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8] SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

18] DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

A Pickle a cucumber and a penis

A pickle a cucumber and a penis are sitting talking in a bar. The pickle says "my life is so bad, when i get big and juicy i get put in a jar full of vinegar. The cucumber said "oh yea? when i get big and juicy i get cut up and put in a salad. The penis said "you guys have it easy, when i get big and juicy i get a plastic bag shoved on my head and i get pushed in to a dark room were my head gets banged on the wall till i throw up!"