Kobe Bryant's Offseason Agenda & Mock Conversations

How Kobe will approach the Laker offseason

Kobe places call to Bazemore

Bazemore: Hello?

Kobe: Hey, it’s number 24.

Bazemore: What’s up?

Kobe: Nothing much, I just wanted to wish you a speedy recovery.

Bazemore: Thanks, man I appreciate it.

Kobe: Also I wanted to discuss your role with the team.

Bazemore: Umm okay?

Kobe: I’m a big fan of your hesitation dribble and the way you take it to the cup.

Bazemore: Oh wow! Coming from you that’s an honor.

Kobe: Yeah. Anyway you won’t need to drive anymore. I’m going to get you all the open shots you need. Just wait in the corner, I'll find you. Mamba out!

Kobe texts Jordan Hill

Kobe: Good luck with your next team. I told the FO I didn’t have patience to deal with what you’re doing with your hair.

Hill: WTF?

Kobe: I’m not feeling the way you do your hair now, how do you suppose to rebound my misses with all that extra weight? Mamba out!

Kobe tweets Nick Young

Kobe: So, you’re the best sg in the NBA @swagypyoung? We will have to see about that in practice.

Nick: I believe that I am @KobeBryant. I can’t wait to take it to you in practice.

Kobe: You just earned @jmeeks20 a contract extension and I only need 1 backup. Mamba out!

Kobe walks into Mitch’s office

Kobe: So, I need to know how you plan on getting me some help out here. I can’t do it by myself. I tried to show Howard, an eight year vet how to be a winner. You guys failed me by bringing in a guy who didn’t want to accept his role I gave him.

Mitch: Kobe, it may take some time, we are working on a few things. Hopefully being able to sign a guy here and there so we can fill out our roster.

Kobe: Sign a guy here and there? You guys promised me max level talent after I gave you the home town discount and signed for 24.5 million. This is BS.

Mitch: That was generous of you to only take 1/3 of the cap, especially since you’re still in your prime at 35.

Kobe: How are we going to get rid of that useless number 1 pick? Let’s trade it so we can win now.

Mitch: Well, we have something in the works where we will trade our 2014, 2018, and 2020 1st round picks, cash considerations and your suggestion of trading Nick Young so we can get Shawn Marion, Chauncey Billups and a rim protector, possibly Nazr Mohammad and I think we can get Kenyon Martin for our 2022 1st round pick.

Kobe: Do it Mitch!

Kobe walks into the Spanish art exhibit

Kobe: Mi hermano!

Pau: Hola numbre veinticuatro

Kobe: How do you feel about re-signing with the team like I did for the amount matching your jersey number? Like they did for me?

Pau: Wow! I didn’t think I could get that much from our FO? You do remember I wear number 16 right?

Kobe: Of course I remember. I can make the call right now. We can win it all next year once you hear what Mitch has planned. I almost want to re-sign for three more years. So are you in to re-sign for your jersey number per year like I did?

Pau: of course I am. Thank you my brother, mi hermano, thank you.

Kobe pulls out cell and calls Mitch

Kobe: Hey Mitch great news. Pau has agreed to re-sign with us for 1.6 million a year.

Pau’s eyes get big!

Pau: You cabron! You said my jersey number. It’s 16!

Kobe on phone.

Kobe: He’s excited about his new extension. Mamba out!

Kobe calls D'Antoni.

Kobe: Hey Mike. I wanted to discuss your coaching. I think you could improve in certain areas.

D'Antoni: WHAT? What are you talking about? How about you improving?

Kobe: oh now you want to get defensive? We could have used that during the season. Mamba out!

Click.

What an embarrassing post!

this is the weirdest post I have read on here. i want my 3 mins back

Hahaha!!

What if Kobe was actually like this? lol

as if there wasn't enough crap on this forum already... This one from a mod

JJ Cali: embarrassed? Not at all. I actually was hoping for some more creative slams from posters. However the day is young, lol. You guys are way too serious.

Aone: It took you three minutes to read that? Yikes! Did you have to sound out each word or something?

Supernutz: once again another classic post from Supernutz. I'm still wondering how you even got the one rep you do have on the books. Looks like someone gave you that rep possibly on December 25th because there is no way you threw up an insightful post. It's not your style at all.

This is about how much confidence I have in our front office right now until they start providing us with proof that this is not funny I'm going to laugh with Gem. I am laughing right now. .

P.s. I hope the proof is in a pudding with pringles face on it and its called fired. We all love fired , its so good. Sales nah?

Comedy! Ahahahahah

Dub and abaloz: thanks. People take things way too serious on here. We had a bad season. It's over now we move forward, every team has to go through it at some point. We can only hope our FO has learned from its mistakes and takes this franchise in the right direction.

Had me cracking up, especially the Gasol convo, classic!!! Good stuff Gem!!!!!

What makes it funny is that Kobe has actually done many of the things in Gem's post. That is what makes good comedy, that part of it that is true. Every comedian knows that rule. Gem took base line Kobe and ran with it. Satire.

One thing about people who take things, Kobe in this instance, too seriously, is a distinct lack of sense of humor or ability to laugh at something. Even something or someone they may like. And we know some people here take Kobe very, very, very seriously.

It's a well written piece of satire. It was poking fun at a sacred cow or a public figure or someone who by their past actions bring attention to themselves for satire. It happens in sports, politics, entertainment pretty much to any public figure eventually. Kobe more than qualifies for satire by both his notoriety and his past actions.

As for those who found the minutes reading it it a waste of time, fair enough. But not as big a waste of time as the years we have till Kobe leaves. Because we won't be able to even try be contenders again until his aging body and bloated salary are gone. And that time investment, years, not minutes, won't be satire or comedy, that will be tragedy.

wondering what kobe's real off season agenda is? click the link to read all about it: http://lakers.newssurge.com/PNphpBB2-viewtopic-t-51065.html#889190

My post wasn't very serious and your response was fine. But your response to Aone & Supernutz was pretty uncalled for IMO. You said yourself you were expecting to be slammed, so why get so defensive. Those 2 responses were pretty immature. Maybe I'm holding you to a higher standard than others, Gemfow, and if so that's my fault. But I expected a little more from you.

Good post Sourcecode

that feeling you get when it becomes old and tired.

JJ Cali: I may have expected to get slammed but it didn't mean I wouldn't respond. That was pretty nice what you said in regards to Aone and Supernutz and coming to their defense. I almost shed a tear at how you defended them but I knew exactly what you were doing, defending them wasn't your endgame. My response wasn't mean spirited it was a response equal to theirs. Lol. When I posted it I expected to get slammed by certain posters, you being one and zheck especially and she didn't disappoint, lol.

Zheck: the first one I liked, the second one was kind of whack. I know you can do better than Van Damme, I mean the guy is past his prime but still feels he still has it which is why he joined in the expendables movie. That actually sounds familiar.

That pic actually can serve two purposes.

The feeling Lakers fans will have watching a 1996 drafted beat up and battered backcourt for the next two years.

hey the expendables was funny as hell. especially when schwarzenegger ripped the door off the smart car and tried to fit it. i kinda liked the van damme one...ample frustrations at what i thought was a lame post. i actually thought i was about to read something of substance from you. disappointing.

I knew certain people would take it seriously and I already had an idea which ones were going to come to the party. Two already showed up like I knew they would because I know they take #24 seriously.

My favorite Laker is Magic Johnson and this one comedian named Corey Holcombe said something about him that I found hilarious.

1) I went to a party at Magic Johnson's crib. He jumped in the pool and cut himself. He told everyone to jump in, the water's fine.

2). Something really scary is a mosquito leaving Magic Johnson's crib.

It would be ridiculous to take things so serious.

Seemed pretty mean spirited to me.

Two pics for a disappointing and lame post? I'm actually surprised you took the time to not find one but two? Lol

I actually would love to see you post something because you're actually one of the few I respect due to well thought out words. Others like to give a few sentences and really don't offer much.

No one took it serious lol. I just found it lame. Just like those 2 Magic Johnson jokes.

I'm not mad. If it was funny I would have laughed.

Just heard Robert Horry on the Colin Cowherd show. The host asked him if Kobe can lead a team to a title any longer.

Horry's response was right on the nose and told some of the reasons why he can't. He said Kobe has to accept father time and what it has done to him. He won't.

Horry said Kobe has to accept the fact that he may need another player, a better player, to lead this team while Kobe backs him up, you know, Robin. He won't.

He said Kobe has to adjust his play to accommodate the new reality. He won't.

He said Kobe needs to renegotiate his salary like Duncan did to enable the Lakers to bring in better players. He won't.

What he will do is try prove he is still 28, he is past his injuries, that he is still the man on the Lakers and the entire NBA. That he is still THAT Kobe Bryant. He will try to prove he can lead next years Lakers to a title. He won't do that either.

Tragedy, not comedy. Coming to an arena near you, next year, in 3D.

lol. slam you? i didn't slam you. i just thought i was about to read something insightful and was especially disappointed because it came from you...hence the two pics. by the way, jabari has declared for the draft.

SPQR: that's what is scary. Kobe will undoubtedly try to do the warrior thing. Feel he has to lead the Lakers to a title his way and he just won't change his game as if his body hasn't changed. It's hard to watch a guy wave for the ball and feel he has to isolate, this is a guy who was unguardable for a long time. Now he still has lots of tricks and some ability left but the isolation game just isn't as effective and it forces guys to just stand around. Our only saving grace is to see a young kid develop right under our eyes.

Great news about Parker. No you didn't slam me. I'll post something insightful( hopefully) in about a week. Honestly, this site needs to lighten up, we had a bad season, it happens.

Glad to hear that. Thanks for the lame response, lol

The jokes were paraphrased. You actually have to see him doing standup to get how funny they were.

I'd like to hear that. Hard to believe Horry would say all that

Kobe is always changing his game to adjust to his aging body. That's why he has become more of a post up player.

. I'll clarify since you are correct. Kobe has changed his game and adds different things. The one thing he doesn't seem to do well is play off the ball, specifically on the weakside. Maybe I'll say he decides not to play off the ball well because if Kobe wanted to he would have played well without it sort of like his first couple of years. Kobe typically stands around if the ball isn't in his hands. When he does move out the ball it's usually the set a screen then flare out variety of movement. He sometimes will move without the ball but I don't think he prefers it that way. The way Kobe rises on his jumper he could easily use screens and pull up or set up the drive off that. Instead we get treated to the triple-threat position mostly

JJCali,

If you were listening to the Colin Cowherd show today, you would have. By the way, you act shocked. Like Horry was dissing Kobe. He wasn't dissing him at all. Trust me on that. He was talking reality. What Kobe needs to do at this stage of his career to optimize his and teams effectiveness. Same things I have been saying about Kobe for the last few years. He wasn't attacking Kobe or dogging him, he was just honestly giving his opinion on Kobe at this stage of his career per the question he was asked.

Perhaps you thinking Horry was saying, the "He won't." He didn't, lol. That was me, commenting on whether Kobe will follow each Horry suggestion as I listed them. I didn't mean to confuse any reader into thinking Horry was saying He won't. That was me saying it.

By the way, listening to SVC and Russillo right now and they are commenting on the same thing, including Kobe's fantasy tweet that next year will be "epic". It won't be. Not close to epic.

A lot people know what has to change, and why, for us to move ahead, except the one person who NEEDS to know. Kobe. And that is a big problem.

Haha. I highly doubt Kobe will do this. More likely Kobe will be doing his rehab & and working out, hanging out with his wife and kids, and oh yeah-- plotting how to spend his $48.5 million bucks he'll be getting.

had to keep reading it cause, its unbelievable that someone would waste their time writing this crap. its still weird as hell

Yeah, I wasn't sure how much if any you were adding. That makes way more sense now. I didn't take it as him dissing him. Just thought that was ridiculouslt candid. But it makes sense now that you are saying YOU were saying the he won't part.

I have to agree with JJCali's original statement. Very embarrassing post. Not only was it not funny in any way, shape or form, but it was also ignorant and highly unrealistic.

Kobe has said multiple times he's not going to tell the FO who to go for, nor is he recruiting for players to come here. Mitch has stated that they will not be consulting Kobe about offseason decisions. Kobe clearly likes Nick Young, Xavier Henry and some of the younger teammates. And all this assuming that he's going to come back and with all this arrogance and try to lead the team by himself is really pathetic. In case no one saw Kobe play this year, he tried not to get in the way of the (at the time) surprisingly good, hot Lakers team. Not only did he state several times that he didn't want to throw off the team's rhythm, but you could see it in his play. He was very unselfish and tried to get his teammates going. How about before we start bashing him for 'trying to single handedly, selfishly, lead a team to a championship at 37', he actually does something resembling that?

It's obviously not very complimentary of Kobe, but I must say it was pretty humorous stuff there Gem. The Pau Gasol bit there was especially funny. "Mamba out", lol.

Good post and take on Kobe this past season!

Very entertaining post indeed gem!! Funny as hell IMO. I have been a Kobe fan since he came into the league. He was the best player on the planet, sadly not anymore though. Sadly, I feel like Kobe will still consider himself to be in the same class as Durant or even Lebron, but that's just not the case anymore. We all know that this phase of Laker history will take a couple of years to rebuild, hopefully Kobe can realize that.

Most of all, I hope that whoever we draft has a chance to develop their game so that they can not only be a productive member of our team, but also so they can begin to realize their immense potential. My biggest fear is we draft an Embiid, Wiggins, or Exum, and they spend a lot of their time either on the bench or standing beyond the three point line waiting for Kobe to get double/triple teamed so Kobe might actually pass it to them.

funny that this post comes after a year that Kobe entirely missed but was one if not the worst season of Los Angeles Lakers

Garbage..

It was pretty sad how he jetted off to France before the regular season even ended. Tweeting crap about how bad this season has been. Dude they just committed 48 million to you, and you can't even stick around a little bit? Can't even go out and thank the fans (who by the way, got you that 48 million contract) in the final home game of the season, instead sending Swaggy P out there? smh. You're supposed to be the leader, and that's how you do your team? The guy is an incredible player, but his character is really in question. Really wouldn't expect anything less from the guy tho.

^^ Really ??

Yes, really. The guy is a great player, one of the greatest of all time, but he's not the greatest person. Imagine if LeBron had done this, he would've been ridiculed to all ends. But for some reason because it's Kobe, it's not seen as a big deal.

Very funny post. I got a kick out of it.

No one would care! You're being ridiculously nitpicky and looking for something g to complain about. No one even cared about the things you complained about.

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Is it as unbelievable as a person who had to somehow read a simple thing multiple times and then say they wanted their three minutes back? Not only did you waste your time reading it once but then wasted it again reading it multiple times because they couldn't grasp the concept of it.

^ don't forget the other 15 minutes to write his post gem . J.k. really.

+1